Temporary Pleasures of the Scatter Brained Kind

They say growing up too soon, is a bad idea. Or growing up at all for that matter. Somewhere all the focus that you had through your younger years tends to disappear and get replaced by this kind of scatterbrained tendency to try to do ten things at once. Most of this is brought about in turn by technology, what with smart phones, tabs and multiple screens that encourage you to do a gazillion things at once.
Apparently we only use 10% of our brain. And within this 10% we try to do so much. Therein lies the problem. If only we could focus and do a couple of things and do them right. If only we weren't so distracted by the world around us and so many different cares and concerns.

This is where growing up comes into play. Every morning, before I go to bed or when I wake up these are the concerns I wake up with, ranked perhaps in order of priority or not:
1. Did I do the right thing?
2. Will she see me as a lover?
3. Will they get better?
4. Will I manage to make a sale today?
5. Will I be able to be a good boss?
6. Would that episode of Newsroom be downloaded by now?
7. Do I need a hair cut?
8. Has my driver come on time?
9. How will I save money for a trip to Europe?
10. When will I find my princess?

This should be an indication about the few of the things that keep tumbling through my head every single day.

Yes, you might call me selfish and self absorbed, but heck it is my life right? And if I don't think about me, who will.

There I go rambling off again. Musings these are dear reader, and these are perhaps long pending ones too. I haven't spoken my thoughts here for far too long. Perhaps I can change that someday soon.

Unrelated note, I started reading the original Amazing Spider man comics and needless to say I'm hooked. If you want all 640 of them, drop me a line.

Until later.
Cheerio.

The Answer

I asked her,
do you really
love me?

She looked down at her hands,
those ,
delicate ,
graceful ,
fingers.

Lifting them up,
like the sunflower,
turns to face the sun,
she placed it on my hand.

Held my fingers,
played with them,
like a baby plays with the father’s.

I looked up at her face,
those,
deep,
sensitive,
eyes,
spoke
of care,
of a deep intense feeling.

Her beautiful lips,
quivered,
like the petals of a rose,
as they parted into a smile.

Her eyelids fluttered like
free butterflies,
in the morning sun.

She looked up at me,
I got my answer.

-------------------------------
I found it after ages here. Wrote this long back, when I was in this constant platonic stupor of a crazy love, where there was no age, and there was no protocol.
-------------------------------

Falling in Love- An Epiphany

"You think you’re in love
Like it’s a real sure thing
But every time you fall
You get your ass in a sling
You used to be strong
But now it’s ooh baby please
’cause falling in love is so hard on the knees"
~Falling in Love, Aerosmith

I dont think that teenage crazy love could be defined in any better way, than the above stanza from Aerosmith's famous song.
I was just listening to the song, and reminiscing. And maybe I had an epiphany(to quote Innuit woman in The Simpsons, "realization of a divine truth!")
But this epiphany I have had many times in the past.
I fall in love, so easily, and then think that maybe she's the one for me, and then maybe I do something wrong, or I don't do anything wrong and well things end.
(No no I'm not sobbing and crying bitterly at this stage, I'm just contemplating, my close friends will know I do that a lot!)

I look back at my relationships, and wonder to myself, each of them, had been at the start of it, this euphoric experience, a feeling on being on 999th heaven, and this continues, and I do a lot of crazy things for the person I'm in love with, but then at the end of it, I either get BORED when there's no reciprocation from the other end, or just I get negative vibes, which in short say back off.

But that euphoric experience, the initial high,like jumping from an airplane, or the first swig of a chilled beer, is definitely worth it. Yet, what happens at the end of it. Well falling in love is hard on the knees.

But is it not that you need to know that you can get hurt, realization and not denial, which is the ultimate truth, the ultimate strength, and yet the ultimate weakness.

But a weakness, can be "transmorgified"(Calvin & Hobbes), into something, that is more a strength than a weakness, and that's what I think falling in love, helps you do.
Think about it unless you fall in love,you dont experience the euphoria, and you dont experience the 999th heaven.

So what if you fall and get hurt. You'll fall in love again.

It's the human heart.

"soft fingers,
tracing my lips,
her warm breath,
on my neck.

the laughters,
the jokes,
the moments,
her eyes,
pristine.


i look at her,
emotion wells through me,
and yet,
doubt.

the sea,
lashes away at the shore,
silence.

waves now,
flow no more,
she,
eyes shut."
------------------------------------
Image Courtesy:
Eyes Sea by *emaghrabi
------------------------------------

The UMM Dilemma

What is the 'UMM' factor?

Do you remember times when you really want to say something to someone, and all you end up saying is UMM...
Maybe you want to confess, about something absolutely wrong that you have done, but all you can come up with is UMM..

Imagine this, you love someone, and theyre sitting right next to you, but you fear telling them you love them, because you dont want to lose them, as a friend, maybe they wont be there for too long, maybe you wont have their presence by your side, and you don't want to spoil things. You love the person so much so, that you fear telling them you love them, because maybe their behaviour towards you might change, or you might feel awkward around them. Whatever the reason be, the final product is the UMM Factor.

Or how about this, your blood brother, has been in a relationship for 4 years, and sure he's been having trouble with his fiance, but now with the emergence of a new woman in his life, he seems smitten and wants to end the four year relationship. You understand his predicament, but you can quite understand as to how he managed to stay in the relationship for so long anyhoo, and it seems to you as if, that you know, it's only because of this new lady, that he is willing to end the relationship.
Do you ask him about it, or do you keep mum?

What do you do then? Do you bottle your emotions in yourself, and hope that the feelings pass. Or do you just blurt out what you want to say, and hope for the best. What if you can't really risk it? What if there's too much riding on your words, would you risk it?

But then, is it sensible to keep the feelings within you?

I was even confused as to whether or not i should put this post up or not, but this blog is one of the ways, by which I can let out these pent up emotions.

Probably the person reading it knows what it's about, and I can say nothing more.
But this, that I am very glad that I said what I had to, and trust me, by keeping your feelings and thoughts bottled inside, it just totally messes with your mind, and all you end up doing is feeling horrible and thinking the whole world around you is crumbling like a giant chocolate chip cookie.

So hear me out, say what you have to, dont think about the consequences. I will call it, the words you say, Random, and random is what you say without filtering, and that is the pure truth, and you will be respected for your Randomness.

Trust me, it's a great feeling. Because then, you aren't lying to yourself. And you sleep well at night.

The Lives of My Cellular Devices - My Moto

It's been an eventful 18 years. I at times feel, my life is very much like a movie. And I'm the lead actor. This preposterous notion, could probably be because, I am an actor in theatre, professionally and as a hobby.
But anyway, my life, is full of excitement, suspense, fear, comedy,romance(tends to be poofed as of now), action et all.

So what role do my cellphones play in this mega-blockbuster. Well other than connecting me to the rest of the co-actors, and strangers, they in a way become an integral part of my life. And they have all throughout the time I have had them.

Them... yes i've had more than one cellphone. Let me think now... around... 5!

And when did i get my first cellphone... that would be in May 2004, during the vacations after my 10th standard ICSE board examinations. I was exstatic. It was a Motorola V66,clamshell phone. It was Dad's previous fone. My love affair with Motorola began with that phone. It was sleek, it was stylish, and it looked cool! I mean black!WOW!

And to think Dad was almost about to give me one of those creepy Reliance phones, the white samsung ones.Yuck!

So when I got to college, I had that phone with me, and in college, well, that's when began my fascination with girls. And what a fascination that is!

Namrata was her name. She was sitting in front of me during the sociology lecture and i started talking to her. She looked cute, and well, me being me.. well i was instantly smitten. I started messaging her, and chatting, and talking and all that usual jazz. When I look back, I think, was it an infatuation, or love?

Anyhoo, she left college, went to a college in the suburbs, and so our cellular contact reduced. It became more online, and very hi-hey contact.

So then, I took part in this dramatics in college. A one act play. I guess at this point,began my tryst with stage acting, which has now been going strong for the last 2 years. This girl Aditi in the Arts division loved my acting. She said, I seemed like a true-blue romantic! And well, those who knew me then, knew that i was a sucker for compliments. And pretty face, then boy was i floored. Times have changed, compliments now, humble me.

So over my Motorola, i sent her many a flirtatious message. Professed my love. Sigh. Yes. And now, well we're just online buddies. That never really turned out to be anything.

Then there came a sad day in the life of my phone. Pizza Hut,VT. Purab, Saloni and some of our friends and me were sitting and eating at Pizza Hut. I suddenly got curious or as we call it in hindi 'keedas', to see what would happen if i put my cellphone in a glass of Coke.
And the results. Well Udit runs to loo, washes cellphone under faucet *wot i blundering fool i was!*, and then blows air into it. Then well it's time to decide the official version of what happened (this goes to parents) ... so the official version is.. Udit and Purab were walking on the road, Udit talking on his cellphone, when some of his schoolfriends passing by in a car, splashed them with water, as a result of which the cellphone got wet and conked and died.

And so, I thought i was going to be phoneless, for life! I was sad! :( My cellphone, even back then was my life. But it got fixed in a week, and it was back, but it was done for.

I remember i got it back. I was ecstatic. And then i switched it on.

I GOT A SHOCK! literally. It sparked and sent a charge threw me, and then started buzzing loudly. I somehow, removed the battery.

The Motorola V66, was done for.

It was time, for the next phone to enter my life.

And since I have a PR report to finish right now, I shall write about that, and much more in the next, romance and action filled post:

The Lives of My Cellular Devices - My Nokia

The Pleasure Principle and the Third of July

I do not believe that i fall under the category of casanova, thought i believe that there may be times that well i just, behave like i normally wouldnt.

Sigmund Freud, as spoken about the Pleasure principle.. which consists of three parts, the Id, the Ego and the Superego.The Id is like the pleasure principle, you know all your desires and fantasies that you would love to fulfill.The Ego, unlike the conventional meaning of the term, is the regulator. It looks at ways of fulfilling or compensating the desires of the ego in socially acceptable or morally acceptable ways, which is very culture subjective.The Superego, is the conscience which pretty much condones, all that the Id wishes to do. I think this might be strongest in nerds and really saint like people!(no offence meant to nerds!)I know i definitely have a weak Superego, but my Ego, is surely the one in control most of the times... (note the usage of the term "most of the times"... so well ya... there are certain exceptions..So what happens when you get the Id overthrowing the Superego? Well you get 3rd of July.

3rd of July 2007.

What a day!

In the morning meet sometime,who i dont really fancy, get intimate with them, ya something of that sort. But yet once it's over, you're like.. what just happened... cause you know that though subconsciously you may have wanted that intimacy, it was probably at the level of lust...and that's where it should remain, in the realm of the subconscious...for when they come out into the real everyday world, rules by the ticking of the clock, you get this perhaps initial euphoria, which is replaced by utter, disgust would be a strong word, disapproval at the act that was done.And so u talk to your close friends about it and have a laugh, yet all the while thinking about what you did, and why u did so, i mean that isn't your personality, you're not a casanova.

Falling in love is no game.. I'd love to not beat around the bush...

If I love someone I'd love to tell them that i do so, but yet I do fear the consequences of my action, for fear of losing them, in whatever capacity. ( no I do not plan on killing them!).. and well so now you must be wondering what i'm jabbering about.. well you see.. it all again boils down to the 3rd of July!So on the fateful evening after the morning escapade, i ended up doing something that i admit to have fancied while i was away in Berkeley, and also during some certain other occassions. So well I happened to kiss her. The kiss was fantastic, i must again confess.But it was all very sudden. Another case of the Id, overpowering the Ego. And well, in this case i did not regret it at that point of time. Because, i felt true emotion, and a loving sense in that kiss, which I have not felt, from anyone for quite some time.

It was a unique sensation, not one of primal urges or physical intimacy, but one of a deeper emotional connect, built by a blossoming friendship.

Yes a friendship, that is what truly is the thing i treasure. The friendship, that we have built is too precious to lose, oversomething as a quarrel over, giving time or space (two of i think the main reasons for relationship's breaking)... This friendship and the person are too dear to me to lose, as i said before, and also their stance with regard to relationships is quite clear, and so i think perhaps it is apt that one acknowledge that this incident did happen, and move on. Life is too short (and considering i want to die in a plane crash..any plane crash)... to sit and ponder, about why certain things happen... they just do.. the Id, the Ego and the Superego, are not always in control.

After all,the heart knows reason, that reason knows not of.